The atmosphere is slightly clearer today after a dark sky yesterday.But I am at an impass and have decided to stop and set up camp and consider what road I might take whether it be the one behind me or one of many in my peripheral view. To be direct I am walking away from the easel for a time.

The last few months or I could say several years have born a lot of progress not only in my painting but in my personal life. As well, this time has created a lot of confusion and intense emotional upheaval. I am not sure what I want to do now. So, coming to the realization that what I have been doing has not been working, I have chosen to stop for now until I can get some clarity. Art has defined who I am, so it is with great fear that I make this decision.

So, with much difficulty but also with some peace I have packed away my paints, brushes and canvas. Many will not understand, but I feel it is the best thing I can do for myself and for the possibility of the work in the future.

I think I need a new job. A real job. I find myself exhausted with my head hurting at the end of every day of painting or just thinking about painting. It has become a chore. It has become the thing that produces the excuse to sleep late. It has become an enemy.

I am not one who can cope with a dead end and I feel as though I am at THE dead end. I do not have the character or the stamina to find another route. I have to turn around and go back. Something is wrong with me. I don’t have “it.” I was not born with nor was there grown in me drive, determination or will to push forward.

After all, the idea of closing myself in a room and slopping paint on a stretched piece of cotton is a pretty self-centered, self-focused activity. And for what? It bears no fruit. I feel a profound sense of relief in telling the truth, in letting go of what has been such a burden.