Monday, August 24, 2009

Bad coffee and Temperament

We lost our internet connection last Friday, so I currently sit in Panera with a weak cup of coffee catching up on emails. A tech is supposed to come out and make it right Tuesday.

I took the Keirsey temperament test this weekend. I take it about once a year when I feel like I need to have someone confirm that it is OK to be me. I go through periods of feeling like I am so, so unlike most of the folks around me (I realize this is common in artists.) Sometimes, I feel alright with that and sometimes I don't. At the moment, I feel I have been trying to squeeze myself into a way of being that goes against my natural grain. I have a very structured, focused mother who is logical and a fairly black and white thinker. My father, who I did not grow up with, is very much an artistic temperament untapped. All of these qualities are good, but I think being like them both by gene, yet being raised by my mom, I often feel I have to work hard for that right brain way of being. Had I been raised with them both, I probably would have a more balanced access to it it is ok to BE an artist.
Even so, though I am an INFJ/P (J and P are always equal scores), I almost always come out fairly equally left and right brained on these tests...which if you think about it, may cause insanity in some folks. Hopefully, not in my case....although it can fee that way.

There is a side of me that kicks against structure, yet wants things to be structured, a part of me that hates schedules, yet feels the need to schedule......that sees things linearly, yet can see things from all angles....yep, so you see my dilemma.

My weak coffee is cold and I should pack up and go home to paint. Or maybe I can analyze this idea a little more.....


Kathleen Krucoff said...

Sorry for your connectivity woes.

I like your thoughts on this topic. I found as I got older that I came to terms with what I call the "warring factions" of my mother & father's personality traits within me. Awareness has helped.

Looking forward to seeing more paintings soon.

Dean Grey said...

Don't change a thing!!

I like my Tracey Clarke just the way she is, thank you very much!


suzanneberry said...

what would you like to be other than an artist? is there another path that perhaps would feel better to you? or would it feel better to others? i think i'd make a better musician than artist. i think i'd be happier, but who knows? perhaps just listening to your own inner voice might quiet the left and right sides,which have to be at odds since they are their exact opposite. and then, if we can let everyone, including ourselves be exactly who they are, warts and all, and accept that of ourselves, without judgment or need of approval then i guess peace ensues. then what?

i loved your newsletter! thank you. and thanks for the comment. hang in my friend, you are so incredibly gifted. i know sometimes that's not enough. suz

Leslie said...

I hear you Tracey! I very often wonder why I can't be "normal" as though that were really a real thing that someone can be. That's especially true being vegan. It's not easy to always be drawing lines in the sand every time I eat with people. Sometimes I wish I could be content with what everyone else seems to be content with. But I can't for some reason and I've resigned myself to the fact that that's who I am so I'd better learn to live my life accordingly.

I wrote the following in my latest blog post. Perhaps it will resonate with you:

I’m a person who craves structure. I like organization and logical process and progress of thought and deed. I like using the intellect God gave me. But I also engage my world in a highly emotional, empathetic and creative way. I suppose this is why I am awestruck by the order, logic and structure of the universe, but why its ambiguity, mystery and beauty draw me in. Structure secures me and provides the foundation for the launch into the mystery of creation and relationship, which intrigue and animate me.

Hey, maybe you are an artistic freak, but you are OUR artistic freak. :-)


sam said...

I think you are doing some wonderful things with your art, and the creativity you have is very special. It says a lot about you as a person. I find its very difficult in painting to get the balance between creativity and structure and Im only really starting to trust my heart more than my brain, as I think this is where good art is.
Try not to analyse yourself too much Tracy:o)