The message

So, I hurt my back while helping my sister paint her new house. By wednesday I was imobilized. Laying in bed on an icepace gave me plenty of time to reflect on how much importance I place on my health. Too much importance. I idolize my health. Not a good thing to idolize since we will all loose our health somewhere along the way.

I am aware that these ailments, the knee, the back, the ongoing endometriosis issues, are sending me messages and these messages are teaching me how to let go of what I cannot keep. They are saying that there is nothing in this lifetime that cannot be taken away. We all live surrounded by this false appearance of security. The messages remind me to focus on what will last. The pain helps me to refocus on the quality of my relationships, on the health of my soul and the growth of my spiritual life.

There is a section in ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’ that asks the reader to think on their funeral. What would people say about you? What would your family and friends say about you had they the chance to stand up at your funeral service? What DEFINES you is what they will reference. Good way to stay centered on priority, right? I don’t want the only thing a friend or family member has to say is, ‘’Tracey was in good shape and she was healthy….she liked to exercise alot.” Heck, I don’t even want them to say I was a great artist. (Well, maybe a little….) Being an artist is great and that is part of who I am, but I don’t want to be defined by that or by my physical conditioning. My friend Jay said years ago, “Everyone has to have something to be crazy about.”

We are made to have a purpose, not to fritter our lives away on things that are passing and without merit. I am a big believer in balance in life. We all have a really hard time finding balance. Most of us are extreme with something in our lives. I have a long history of being extreme with exercise. I beginning to be thankful for the painful (literally) reminders that help me rebalance. Once I stop kicking and screaming I can hear the message.

Battle of the wounded knee

So, now I have injured my knee. After my lovely run on tuesday upon healing up from the aforementioned dog attack, I noticed a weird tightness in my left knee when I squated down throughout the day. I finally noticed this fluid bubble squeezing out from the side of my knee. Though I had no pain at all, I felt a sick panicky feeling come over me. I am pretty tough; been through a lot of painful things physical and mental, but
that nauseating water bubble popping out from under my kneecap made me feel lightheaded.

Every runner knows a knee injury is the worst thing that can happen.
So, I am wallowing in a little sadness these few days of rest trying to keep my mind off of the sunshine outside each day, off of another missed run. All of my maladies are overwhelming me a bit tonight. I have a few ongoing, a few short term……

This weekend we are off to Norfolk to help my sister and brother-in-law paint their new house before they move in. It will be a welcome escape from my self-centeredness this week. Betweem the Philly gallery trip, the dog thing, my back, and the knee ailment I can really feel the crushing weight of myself these days.

Bad dog, bad week

Last week I was attacked by a dog while I was running in my neighborhood. In my 14 years of running I have never had any real incidents which is amazing. I am pretty sure footed and quick, but a dog running full on into my legs from behind made all of those qualities obsolete. I fell very hard on my back and my head snapped back and hit the pavement. It could have been much worse if the dog who was standing over me growling had decided to take a chunk out of me. After a trip to the emergency room and a few to the chiropractor, I have been recovering at home.

Unable to do any painting or running or much less any walking has made me really focused on being thankful for a healthy body and working parts. I sorely miss running. Sorely. I curse that dog. Like painting, I really feel like myself fully when I run. I had not realized that before now.

Running started for me when a boyfriend made a comment to me about “carrying around a little winter weight.” Those of you who have seen me bodily know how ridiculous this is. But it was really hurtful and frightening and I immediately threw myself into running hardcore at 21. I ran every day for at least 6 miles. I also began to eat very little. If I missed a run it would ruin my day. If I had a bad run it would ruin my day. Gradually, my motivation changed to running to manage my depression. At this place in my life, as my self image improved and the depression has subsided I run because I love to run. It has been an activity that has birthed loads of creative energy and numerous lightbulb moments. So, I was back on the road today and though I didn’t run well, I was really thankful to be able to do it at all. Setbacks make the return more priceless.

Philly

We took a trip to Philadelphia last week to meet with the owners of Qbix Gallery. Needless to say, I spent two weeks prior feeling out of my skin preparing for the meeting. Thanks to everyone who prayed for me during the preparation and the trip up.

I suppose we all have preconceived ideas about how things are going to be or how people are going to be in a new situation. It is just our way of being prepared, though our assumptions are usually incorrect. If you read enough books about being a professional artist you will find that ninety percent of them portray gallery owners and the gallery system as awful. The system is often not pro-artist and the owners are often uninformed and they are often artists gone sour. So, having read these statements many times in many resources, I had my hesitations. But when Sharon from Qbix called me and when we finally met all of those preconceptions were quickly dissipated.

I have never met such lovely warm and genuine people. Sharon and her fiance, also named Sharon, took Craig and I to lunch after our meeting. We sat together for over an hour discussing travel, art, movies…..many things. Their philosophy about art and how they run their gallery was a welcome relief from my preconceived ideas.

I came away learning a valuable lesson about my own fears and expectations and the freedom that is availble when I just step out and move forward leaving everything in the hands of God knowing that he has far greater plans and interests than I can comprehend.

Oil paint at disaster

Why pets should not be in the studio…..

Seasons

Craig and I went up to Baltimore to see my friend Janie from Atlanta. She had a gig at Johns Hopkins. Janie has just released her first CD. You can go to her site listed in my links and get yourself a copy. It’s a great CD.

I was thinking today about the many months Janie and I spent before I moved to D.C. sitting for hours in the Starbucks on Alpharetta Highway. It was a cloistering season for plotting, working things out and connecting over our respective mediums as artists. Niether one of us was getting much work done, but that is where we were at that time. That was the season. I remember it as a wonderful gray and overcast season.

Seeing her make so many huge steps since I have moved has been encouraging to me and seeing her last friday night I can see and hear just how far she has come. And now having been approached by a few galleries, changing mediums and moving in the direction of the call I can see how far I myself have come since those days. The season has changed, but I see clearly the necessity of the seasons before and the cycle of growth that is inevitable as we work out our paths with "fear and trembling."

art 101

My painting class started last night. I can’t even believe I made it to and through it. I had so much anxiety about getting there and just walking into the room that I wasn’t certain I could do it. I was thinking last night and wondering how I got to this point..this place where if something produces bad feelings, I avoid it. Especially when it comes to my work. But I will go further. If I approach something that I feel is out of my control or above my ability, I run. I have lived my life progressively trying to control more, trying to at least look like I know what I am doing and telling myself that if I don’t, then it is a reflection of my value as a person. Pretty distorted. One of the recurring themes I hear in my artist friends is the fear that somehow others will find out that they really aren’t an artist. I have been telling my young friends to be sure to make themselves do hard things and to follow through; to learn the lesson now of living life based on wisdom and not on feelings.

The class is good. The instructor, Scott, is great. The other students are fine. My biggest obstacle is me. It always has been.