aahhhhh

Ahhhh. Self discipline. My choices in the last few weeks since the Norfolk incident have really boiled down to this: I have not disciplined myself to paint. Isn’t it in our nature to choose the thing that produces the least resistance, the least discomfort? And it’s only delaying the inevitable, that this painting must get done. Giving in moment by moment to something else, some other impulse down the level road to avoid the steep hill or pothhole riddled path, involves a choice. Any thing that one feeds becomes stronger and more powerful and any thing that is starved weakens. It’s all very simple, yet at times so very hard to do. The myriad of ways we find to detour our life’s calling can be rather dangerous. We all know folks who have chosen and chosen again to avoid, to indulge in some other thing other than what they are supposed to. They are often sad and bitter people with a huge bag of regret on their shoulders that they cannot put down because it is their own fault by their own choosing. I can learn from that…from those who were at that crossroad. But sometimes I fear I will end up there, too. That it is somehow in my genes, if you will. I know in my right mind it isn’t my genes, it is my choices, but at times I still wonder. Especially when I struggle for such an extended period of time.

So the allure of books, art sites, working out harder, or just spacing is a strong allure for me in these recent weeks. At least today I primed some canvases in between Jeff Buckley, Lord of the Rings….blog….weight training, having a glass of wine and eating too much Halloween candy (yes, I cannot be trusted at all with it in the house BEFORE the event). Craig is with Phil in D.C. at the Spy Museum (can you say BORING?) so I can do whatever I want, right? These are the things I CHOSE today. I used to just choose to go to sleep…hide, so I guess it is an improvment.