The journey of seeking to become a full time professional artist that began several months ago really came to a halt about three weeks ago. I hit the wall. All of my beliefs and convictions that have made me as an artist were suddenly called to the table as I researched galleries and seriously began working on the brochure with the printers. Somewhere on gallery number two hundred and somewhere on the fourth time we returned there with a new file and found it once again not up to par I began to crumble. All of the negative voices and words I have heard about being an artist flooded in and I began to listen to them. You know the ones, "No one will buy your work, you will be a failure, they will find out you are a fake, this is all a silly dream, be practical, be realistic!" and on and on I could go. Listening to those words put me in bed for several days and seriously made me consider returning to vet medicine. I began to walk in the steps of thousands…..I decided to give up. The fear and doubt were so overwhelming and the path before me was so unsavory to me that I wanted to go the easy way. And then the apathy set in and apathy in the worst. Apathy says "You aren’t afraid, you just don’t want to be part of the whole gallery thing….you never wanted to do it for anything but the art. You don’t want to violate your principles and prostitute yourself and your work! Why do you need the input of other artists? You know exactly what you want to do! Look at all the oney and time you are wasting when you could be painting! That’s what you really love." (Part of me still believes this, by the way.) Apathy is very convincing. After listening to all my repeatative arguments about not pursuing this stuff my dear friend and supporter Pam said, "Everything you say makes perfect sense and sounds real and I believe you…….but its a cop out."
I was feeling quite exhausted by this battle around last thursday. We were off to Norfolk and the whole trip Craig and I replayed it all again and again. Over the next few days I began to see stripped of skin all the major control issues I have especially with my artwork. I also have a really hard time trusting the leading and judgment of others. For all of us there are things that we cannot see without the insight of others. I learned that I am completely untrustworthy with determining the purpose of my work because I lie to myself and believe it so that I can have it my way and stay in control. This is hard to admit, by the way and I still feel the last vestiges of apathy like after one has a really greasy meal……I could go back for another one of those meals if I am not dilligent.
So the choice is laid before me. All my creeds about life choices I have believed over my whole life are now put to trial. So, one more time to the printers today……..wish me luck.
Asalin keeping me company on my bed of decision…