1Home from a quick and heavily relational laden trip to Atlanta and ready to turn and face the call. I have to varnish the painting for the Gallery West show and begin throwing out some lines toward completing the monkey painting (have I mentioned the monkey painting?) and what will be next. "Jeff" still hangs on the wall incomplete….

These waves, these ups and downs, these battles of the mind have worn me out but I do know it is for good. I thank God for the hint. Sometimes I get it.

What now?

I have spent the month of December emptying my mind of anything related to my artwork. I have spent it cooking, shopping and doing not much else. It has been nice. I still have no answers, no direction and I am still on the fence of doubt. On one side is living my life out as a practicing artist and on the other some other vocation. At the moment dog walker supreme. I am good at that, too, all you folks who say art is my talent. I am good at many things. Who is to say one vocation is more important than another. At least with the dog thing I make happy dogs and provide a service to busy people. So there.

I came home from Christmas in Norfolk to an acceptance letter into the annual nation juried competition at Gallery West. Some people think that this is funny considering my turmoil over my calling. Ain’t funny.

The atmosphere is slightly clearer today after a dark sky yesterday.But I am at an impass and have decided to stop and set up camp and consider what road I might take whether it be the one behind me or one of many in my peripheral view. To be direct I am walking away from the easel for a time.

The last few months or I could say several years have born a lot of progress not only in my painting but in my personal life. As well, this time has created a lot of confusion and intense emotional upheaval. I am not sure what I want to do now. So, coming to the realization that what I have been doing has not been working, I have chosen to stop for now until I can get some clarity. Art has defined who I am, so it is with great fear that I make this decision.

So, with much difficulty but also with some peace I have packed away my paints, brushes and canvas. Many will not understand, but I feel it is the best thing I can do for myself and for the possibility of the work in the future.

I think I need a new job. A real job. I find myself exhausted with my head hurting at the end of every day of painting or just thinking about painting. It has become a chore. It has become the thing that produces the excuse to sleep late. It has become an enemy.

I am not one who can cope with a dead end and I feel as though I am at THE dead end. I do not have the character or the stamina to find another route. I have to turn around and go back. Something is wrong with me. I don’t have “it.” I was not born with nor was there grown in me drive, determination or will to push forward.

After all, the idea of closing myself in a room and slopping paint on a stretched piece of cotton is a pretty self-centered, self-focused activity. And for what? It bears no fruit. I feel a profound sense of relief in telling the truth, in letting go of what has been such a burden.

Q and A

I am not a very good blogger, I guess. It seems the span of time between the entries is getting longer and longer. I have three paintings in the works now and plan to get back on them tomorrow. I was in Virginia Beach visiting with my sister and nephew the week before last. My attempts at painting last week were minimal at the most. I really felt "off" in the middle of a liver cleanse that brought on a lot of insomnia and weird sweating……..and now a downhill. I am talking myself into a corner today. All of the unsolved mysteries and unanswerred questions relating forever to the work seem to be rushing in all at once. I am having a difficult time putting them in their appropriate files because they are all screaming to be answered TODAY. It will be twice as difficult now to get my focus toward getting my game on.

Manassas Battlefield, Veteran’s Day

Trick or treat

Alive in the dying season

My favorite time of year has arrived. I anticipate every autumn
counting the weeks once summer rolls around until the evenings slowly begin to show a little drop in temperature indicating the my season of choice is on the horizon. Though the fall is the season of dying I always feel the most connected with my surroundings once the leaves begin to turn and the air has that amazing mulchy "dirt" smell. I feel so sorry for those residing in southern Florida.